The Hunt

My wife and I have hobbies
They're as different as can be.
But we do enjoy hunting
On that we both agree.

I like to be with nature
And to leave the ol' rat race.
And it's not getting what your after
It's the thrill of givin' chase.

I hunt for elk and deer and mosse.
A trophy rack to find.
But the racks that my wife hunts for
Are the so called "sales" kind.

She'll venture out in weather
That would keep most men indoors.
Just to go and hunt for bargains
At the nearest Mervyns store.

And she'll wander round the jungle
Of the downtown city mall.
Just to try and make a killin'
On the clothes she's bought for call.

Then she'll drive around for hours
Hittin' all her huntin' spots.
Just stockin' that elusive deal
That she's sure will save her lots.

Sometimes she'll take her buddies
And go hunt exotic game.
Like Calvin Klein or Gucci,
She won't bag no cheap brand name.

One day I argued long and hard
About her hunting trips.
I said, "Our checkbook is a mess"
And showed her our bankslips.

I asked her please to stop her hunts.
And the reasons just kept flowin'
But then she said to me like I'ved said to her,
"It's not in the gettin' it's the goin'!"

Just One Of Those Days

Have you ever had that kind of day
When nothing quite went right?
When no matter what you try to say,
Your foot you seem to bite?

When your day got started late,
'Cuz the alarm forgot to ring.
And you went outside to feed the cows
And you couldn't find a thing.

So you tried to catch your horse
And he gives you the run around.
And when you start to cinch him up
The danged ol' cuss lays down.

You try to put the bridle on,
And he won't take the bit.
And when you step up on him
He throws a buckin' fit.

When you finally find your cows
And you get 'em headed home,
A truck goes racin' through the middle
And they scatter and start to roam.

Well, you finally get 'em home
And what should you find there?
But that brand new Limosiner bull
With all four feet stuck in the air.

And that danged ol' heeler pup
that was gentle as could be,
Has got the Avon lady cornered.
And the mailman's climbed a tree!

So you got to get to town,
Cuz you've got to see your lawyers.
So you jump into your pickup truck,
And it's got four flat tires.

So you take off down the road
In your honey's brand new jeep.
And you go around a corner
And you hit a flock of sheep!

And the IRS just called,
Said they want to audit you.
And your banker left a message
Said, "your note was way past due".

And when you finally find the time
To open up your mail,
Your daughter starts to singin'
"The farmer in the jail".

Then you get to think'
This has got to be a dream,
'Cuz all these things that happened,
They just can't be what they seem.

Then your wife, she starts to shake you.
You wake up and start to curse,
'Cuz you realize that in real life
Most days are even worse!

EPD'S

Now those of you that's bought a bull
Will no doubt agree with me
That the new fangled ways of pickin' bulls
Ain't what they used to be.

Now you need a geneticist
To help you do things right
Cause pickin' out a bull nowdays
Requires more than sight.

You have to know the dam and sire
And check out their pedegrees.
And then you have to reckon
With those things called EPDs.

Expected Progeny Differences
Are what those initials mean.
They help a rancher pick a bull
Without his calves being seen.

They deal with things like calving ease
And birth and weaning weights.
Not to mention scrotal size
And those maternal traits.

All these things together
Seem to help a racher know
Just what his calves will look like
And which bulls will have to go.

But one day I got to thinkin'
If they used such things on men;
And compiled all our data
And then put us in a pen.

I wonder just what changes
We'd have seen throughout the years.
And which ones of us would still be bulls
And which ones would just be steers.

Global Warming

They claim this golabl warming
Is a danger to us all.
They say the planets heatin' up
And no snow will ever fall.

They say it'll be a desert
Where nothings going to grow
There'll be no plants to hold the soil
And dust will start to blow.

Now some say it's caused by hair spray
Destroying the ozone layer.
Others say it's El Nino
And we haven't got a prayer.

Stil others say it's the cars we drive
And the fumes that they emit.
While others say it's factories
Burning without a permit.

But according to the Government
In a bill that they just passed
They claim the culprit is our cows
They're emitting methane gas.

They've allotted 19 million
To prove that it is true.
Some cimmittee's going to study
Their feed after its passed through.

They'll examine, watch, and analyze
The waste our cows produce.
It's another prime example
Of our taxes put to use.

But I think I've got the answer
And I know that you'll agree
That the cause of Global warming is
Hot air from Washington D.C.

The Great Debate

I can still picture in my mind
The scene of the great debate.
Two cowboys standing toe to toe
Discussin' the world's fate.

They spoke with conviction and eloquence.
Expoundin' their point of view.
Each hoping the other would see his way clear
To belive him when he got through.

They argued for over and hour
Till their faces turned bright red.
Then waved their arms and shook their fingers
Toe emphasize what they'd said.

But after all was said and done.
And they'd gone their separate ways.
Each man left with their views intact
And no one's mind got changed that day.

But those of us that saw it,
Still think 'bout it once in a while.
Those two men standing' and arguin'
About a subject that made us all smile.

And was was this subject you might ask?
That made these two cowboys so sore.
It was which was harder to clean off your boots--
The sheep or the cow manure!

The Carnival

Ol Buck had traveled into town
To attend the county fiar.
He changed his shirt, polished his boots
And combed and waxed his hair.

There were things to buy, exhibits to see,
There was livestock, baked goods and more.
And scattered all over that county fair
Were places to eat galore.

He took it all in, the sights and the sounds
And ate til his stomach was full.
But the thing that really caught his eye
Was what they called the carnival.

He looked at the games that people could play
And the prizes that they could win.
And then met up with a few of his friends
Who were waiting for a ride to begin.

His friends said, "Buck you're a pretty good sport
And we'll bet you ten to one
That you can't get on that there ride
And stay there till it gets done".

Now he had ridden many a horse
That would bog their head and buck
So he said to his friends, "I'll take that bet
And I'll be rick with a little luck"

Cuz Buck considered himself a top hand
And a man that had lots of pride.
So he pulled down his hat and took a deep seat
And nodded to start the ride.

The ride started to go up and up
And it looked like an easy win.
Then all of a sudden the bottom fell out
And the whole things started to spin.

But Buck's no slouch and he's hangin' tough
Till his stomach starts to churn.
And he's feelin' pretty nauseous
And his throat begins to burn.

The ride keeps spinnin' up and down
And his face is turnin' green.
So he hollers down, "I wanna get off"
But they just speed up the machine.

He's lookin' for a place to lose his lunch.
Trying to time is so no one will know.
But he just couldn't hold it anymore.
And showered those down below.

The people all ran for cover.
And the ride screeched to a stop.
And even though the ride has quit
Buck's still spinning like a top.

He heads to the restroom to clean himself up
But when he walked in the door he froze.
Cuz there stood a man about six foot six
Who was cleaning off his clothes.

He had an angry look in his eye.
And he wasn't happy to say the least.
He looked at Buck and his hand made a fist.
And he growled like a wounded beast.

Now ol Buck knew he had just one chance
Before his life was through.
So he says to the man, "That low life bum,
Looks like he got you too!"